Living four different lives
I feel like I'm living 4 different lives. I'm like a different person depending on the situation. I'm sure other people also have the same feeling but probably not with as many lives.
The first is my work life. At work I feel constrained. I have to hold back many thoughts and comments. Can't talk about certain things, certain people, certain events. I drives me crazy. This life, I'm sure others live also.
Then there is my life with others, outside of work. I'm not one to try to please others to gain their acceptance. Most of the time when I see people interacting they are trying to glorify their life, this is just to keep others' the attention. When I'm with people I'm myself, but again I feel that I have to moderate myself because some comments, thoughts and actions are not socially acceptable by some. So I must pander to the lowest common denominator in the group and that is often too low for me to stay interested in keeping the conversation or interaction going. I break from the group and remain by myself.
Which brings up my third life lived. Alone. I enjoy being alone sometimes because I have no moderation, nothing to stop me from doing what I want. I can think what I want, do what I want, and I only have myself to blame and be ashamed of, if at all. The problem with being alone is I gain no new input, no new feedback. Nothing to analyze, understand, nothing new to change my world. So I have to delve back in to the groups of people, but I like the groups small because then I try to raise the level of the topic to somewhere it would keep my interest and the interest of others.
The fourth life, the life in my dreams. I'm not talking about just daydreams, I'm talking about real dreams. I've taught myself to dream and to control my dreams. Sometimes I want to sleep longer, but my body wakes me up at some point. In my dreams anything can happen. Most of the time I dream that I'm doing some kind of good. Helping someone, saving someone, saving the world, stopping bad guys, all kinds of things like that. Yeah, you are probably laughing, but the most amazing things and feelings I have had in my dreams, pale the real world for me at times.
Trying to keep these lives separate are taking its toll on me. It's breaking me down, the worlds don't want to stay apart anymore, even the dream one. Visions haunt me sometimes.
The first is my work life. At work I feel constrained. I have to hold back many thoughts and comments. Can't talk about certain things, certain people, certain events. I drives me crazy. This life, I'm sure others live also.
Then there is my life with others, outside of work. I'm not one to try to please others to gain their acceptance. Most of the time when I see people interacting they are trying to glorify their life, this is just to keep others' the attention. When I'm with people I'm myself, but again I feel that I have to moderate myself because some comments, thoughts and actions are not socially acceptable by some. So I must pander to the lowest common denominator in the group and that is often too low for me to stay interested in keeping the conversation or interaction going. I break from the group and remain by myself.
Which brings up my third life lived. Alone. I enjoy being alone sometimes because I have no moderation, nothing to stop me from doing what I want. I can think what I want, do what I want, and I only have myself to blame and be ashamed of, if at all. The problem with being alone is I gain no new input, no new feedback. Nothing to analyze, understand, nothing new to change my world. So I have to delve back in to the groups of people, but I like the groups small because then I try to raise the level of the topic to somewhere it would keep my interest and the interest of others.
The fourth life, the life in my dreams. I'm not talking about just daydreams, I'm talking about real dreams. I've taught myself to dream and to control my dreams. Sometimes I want to sleep longer, but my body wakes me up at some point. In my dreams anything can happen. Most of the time I dream that I'm doing some kind of good. Helping someone, saving someone, saving the world, stopping bad guys, all kinds of things like that. Yeah, you are probably laughing, but the most amazing things and feelings I have had in my dreams, pale the real world for me at times.
Trying to keep these lives separate are taking its toll on me. It's breaking me down, the worlds don't want to stay apart anymore, even the dream one. Visions haunt me sometimes.
posted by Dread Pirate Niko at 11/08/2005 01:15:00 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home